God's Voicemail

I don't know how time works.

Well, I know it passes, and I know we count it in seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, years,...  You get the picture.

But I don't know how I can already be the mother of a three month old. (One who just woke from a nap.  Excuse me for a moment.)

Okay, that "moment" was a month ago.  Emmitt is now 4 months old.  And while E has kept me busy for the past month, a lot of other life has been happening too.

I went back to work on August 13th.  As I got ready, I had a conversation with God.  Well, maybe I was really just leaving God a voicemail, because it was one of those "prayers" where I was telling God what I wanted and not really wanting to hear a response that would be contrary to my wishes.  The message went as follows:

"Hey, God!  So, I think I can go back to work today as long as you make sure E has all of those big 'first' moments while he's home with us.  I just don't want to miss out on them.  And I know that you can make that happen.  So thanks for helping me ease back into this!"

For the record, I think God's voicemail was checked by his secretary who forgot to give him the message.  I left for work just before 8 a.m. and by the time I stopped by the house at noon, my mother-in-law was excitedly telling me that E had rolled from his back to his side.  She even had pictures of it on her phone.  I had several thoughts at once.

1. Yay, Emmitt!! You are growing so big!
2. I'm so grateful my MIL can use the camera on her phone to capture the moment for me.  It would have been harder without a pic.
3.  (Imagine me staring at the ceiling with my "teacher" face.) God, I thought we talked about this!!  (By the way, why do we look to the ceiling when we're talking to God???)

So, yeah.  He's sovereign and I was being picky.  God is still good.  Work is still good.  Work has been very good, actually. I just got over my emotional hurdle on day 1.



Until next time,

The Working Rookie Mom

20 Minutes

I have 20 minutes (probably) until E wakes up from his nap.

And I'm excited!

Why?

Because for one, rescuing a sweet baby from a crib is adorable!

And two - I actually think I have the tiniest clue about E's routine!!

New moms, I think you can relate.  For weeks I've felt completely clueless about the baby-side of having a baby.  (Hang with me for a minute.  I know that sounded bonkers.)  I've watched friends and family members do so well at holding him or calming him.  I have one friend who seems to have the "magic touch."  More than once I watched somebody and thought, "I should have known that.  Why didn't I know that??"

That's a lot of pressure, especially when you want to be the best mom ever.

So, I'm happy to say that I'm feeling more confident.  I feel like I know a bit more about why he's crying or when he's sleepy or hungry.

Or both.  Gosh, it can be scary when it's both...

Now, some things I've learned about taking care of my sweet little man:

1)  Always have the burp cloth ready.  Spit up does not believe in an early warning system.  That's for tornadoes, people.

That onesie on my shoulder?  Yeah.  That's standing in as a burp cloth since there were none within reach.

2) My baby boy practices sleep fake-outs.  He's sneaky like that.  You think he's asleep and has been for 20 minutes.  So you go to bed relieved to have successfully swaddled the boy into bliss.  Then he screams or cries or just generally lets you know that he's decided bedtime is for grown-ups.

He can be so determined, can't he?

3)  Following #2 -  At night, I know now that he will sleep eventually.  I don't despair because I know that even if it's in two hours or in two minutes, E will fall asleep.

*No sleep is promised during the day. True that.

4)  Any bad day or fussy moment is made better by his cute little face.

"Are you really taking my picture again?" Yes.  So look happy about it.

Peace out.  I still have ten minutes.

Maybe.

Signed,
Stephanie 

Things That Go Bump in the Night

E is 11 weeks old today!!  I can't believe how quickly time flies.  Or that I will be going back to work in three weeks.  (Quickly changing the subject before I cry...)

At this point, E has discovered his tongue, his voice, and that he can cross his eyes. (And every time he crosses them, I hear my great grandma saying they'll get stuck that way.)  His personality is also starting to emerge.  For example, he loves to smile in the mornings...

...unless he's hungry.  There are lot of things that he doesn't like if he's hungry.

I also feel like I'm starting to pick up on some things as a mom, like E's cues for wanting a nap.  This has been the first week when I feel we have normal or possibly even "scheduled" nap times.  All of this translates to a much less fussy E and a more confident momma.

So, on to the reason for this post:  Things that go bump in the night.

Two nights ago, I heard a noise after being asleep for only 15 minutes or so.  My first groggy thought was that E must have knocked something over in his room... Then I realized that E doesn't knock things over.

That's when I woke up Tim.

"Did you shut the garage door when you took out the trash?" I asked.  Maybe it was just the neighborhood car.  (A horrible idea by the way.  When you move in, I don't want to meet your cat in my backyard.  A wandering cat does not endear you to dog people or people with gardens.  I like your cats at your house well enough.  Just not at mine.)

Tim was still waking up when he answered, "Yeah.  I'm pretty sure."  I guess the look on my face said that I was worried, so he got up to double check.

Then it got creepier.

As Tim was leaving the room, I thought he was using his cell phone as a flashlight.  I saw a glow of light on our bedroom wall.  The light was there for a moment, was gone, then came back again.  Something about the light being from Tim's phone felt wrong to my groggy brain.  It took less than a second for me to realize that the light was coming from outside our windows - Tim didn't have his cell phone with him at all!

I hurried out of bed and followed him to the garage door.  After confirming that the light wasn't possibly from his phone, I decided to call 911.  I had heard a very distinct thumping or knocking noise and then someone was shining a light in our bedroom windows.  These windows are in the backyard, too.  There's no reason for headlights or other sources of light to shine in them.

I've never called 911 before except for a grass fire on the highway.  I will say in my nervous state I was slightly frustrated that the dispatcher couldn't find my address.  (The house has been here for 8 years, people!)  And it did take 10 minutes for someone to arrive (but that could be because no one was actively breaking in at that point.)  For those 10 minutes, we turned on lights and peaked out the blinds.  Tim would have gone outside to check the house, but I refused to let him possibly cross paths with a bad guy.  "Grab your keys and get ready to load up the little guy if we need to get out," is what I demanded.  (My exit strategy was to get out through the garage.  Might not have been the best plan, but it was a plan.)

While we were waiting for the police, Tim tried to figure out why I called the them so quickly when I've never done it before and with such little prompting.  "If it was just the sound," I explained, "I wouldn't have.  If it was just a weird light, I wouldn't have.  It was the two together.  Plus, how many times do I have to hear a weird noise in the house or see a weird light before I decide to call the cops?  When the robbers break in a window?"

Well, we didn't see anything and neither did the police officer who came to check things out.  Not surprising.  If I had been about to rob the place I would have left when all the lights turned on also.  Tim went back to sleep convinced it was nothing and I checked on E no less than 87 times that night.  It left me feeling spooked and paranoid.  (Ironically, I've been praying about fear and paranoia in my life, then I hear sounds and see things in the dark.  Sheesh!)

Yesterday afternoon, though, I unraveled the mystery.  I believe Wilson was trying to break into our house.  This is Wilson:

   
Here's my theory: There are kids who live in the house behind us.  I think their volleyball hit our house, causing the noise.  Then I think they grabbed a flashlight and tried to find it in our yard.  So, that means there was no bad guy.  Does that also mean I am embarrassed that I called the cops? No.  Something hit my house and someone shined a light through my window.  No one ever has the first thought of, "Oh, it's just a volleyball."

Although, that might be my first thought next time.

So, to wrap up the post, here's a picture from my Girls Night last night.  We went to Paint Your Art Out in Edmond.  It was worth the $35 and oh so much fun!

I would show you the picture of the finished product, but my eyes looked weird.

Have a great weekend!

Signed,

Rookie Mom


(See, I told you!)

Life-Sucks Cake

Question 1:  What is wrong with this picture?

And no, it wasn't stolen.

Question 2: Why is the freezer not located inside the garage?

I know you are interested, so read on.  And please be sure to finish the story.  It ends with smiles. And cake!

A week and a half ago Tim and I sat down and recrunched our budget.  We've done this about once a year since we actually started a budget two years ago.  If you're curious, we use what we know about Dave Ramsey's baby steps and the envelope system.  You can find more info here.  We haven't taken a class, but we've used the website and listened to a lot of podcasts.

Now, why did we recrunch the budget?  Well, we've had a little change to our family.  Mr. E's arrival meant that we needed to see where we were sitting before daycare starts next month.

And yes, I am going back to work.  And yes, I would love to stay home but...

A)  I really do love my job.  The paycheck isn't the greatest, but whose is?

...and...

B) I have student loans to pay for.  My standard response to why I'm working is, "Student loans keep you employed."  Or they at least keep you looking for employment.

Any who.  Back to the budget.

So, Tim and I updated our budget.  We weren't easy on ourselves.  For example we - brace yourself - cut cable television.

I know.  Scary, right?

A few days ago we actually had the service cancelled.  I was nervous about it.  I've only known having cable TV.  We have always watched a lot of shows, but I knew I had a problem when I started wanting to record The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Tim stopped trying to convince me of the merits of cable at that point and agreed to cancel the service in order to save a few dollars each month.

So, Thursday we cut cable.  My life was in a totally new place (all because of TV, I know...) and I wasn't sure what to do with myself.  I normally watch TV while nursing, so it threw me through a loop.  Then E got cranky.  Really cranky.  From 3 pm until 10pm he was not a happy camper.  Then he spit up into and down the front of my dress.  (Yes, into and down.) So I changed and cuddled my cranky boy again until he pooped on me.  Because nothing makes a cranky day better than poo.

If you're keeping track, here's what I've got so far:
cable TV detox + cranky baby + spit-up + poop  = convince myself to stay happy

I was doing my best to stay positive.  My solution at this point was to start working on dinner so I could distract myself.  I hauled my choosing-to-be-joyful self out to the garage freezer to pull out the homemade shredded chicken that I keep stocked.  That was when I realized that the freezer wasn't cold.  Everything I had stocked outside was defrosted and warmer than I am willing to consider as acceptable for food safety.  The freezer was toast (is that irony or a pun?) and so was everything in it.  Which meant nothing on this menu board here...

...could be made for dinner since they each had at least one ingredient in the freezer.  And we were trying not to eat out because we tightened our budget.  Plus, one of us had stuck the last $30 of grocery money in our pocket and forgotten where it was.  So we technically didn't have allocated funds to shop.

So if you're keeping track with this story, we now have:
cable TV detox + cranky baby + spit-up + poop + broken freezer + missing cash = forget trying to be happy this not okay with me!

Well, I made it through the night.  We had money for food that we scrounged from other envelopes.  Tim got the antenna installed on the TV so I could watch basic channels, so that helped my morale.

Until Saturday...

Ah, Saturday.  This was the morning that started bright and sunny.  I was up at 7 with a smiling baby boy.  Daddy was out on a bike ride.  Life was cheery, albeit frustrating if I dwelt too long on the broken freezer and lost food.

Then the TV went out.

Seriously?!

Yes.  We just updated our budget, tightened it in preparation for daycare, and now we have had two major appliances go haywire on us. 

So now the equation looks like this:
life sucks = Stephanie, future reality TV diva

I threw a fit.  An adult fit about why life is hard, why it's not fair, how I can't believe all these set backs happen as we are trying so hard to pay off all our debt.  I sent my mom a text asking if we had angered somebody in the appliance department at Sears.  I asked for prayers for my attitude since Satan seemed to be swinging a bat with my name on it.

Then I held E again.

Tim couldn't get through to me because I was not yet to the point that I wanted to stop and listen.  And I was still very upset even after holding E.  However, E was the tangible reminder that I still have what is very important to me - my husband and son.  (I confess I then freaked out hoping they weren't next on the list of crappy things to go wrong.  Faith is hard sometimes.  That's what it means to have real faith.)

So, reminded that life sucks but we can continue on, I did what any sensible person would do.

Or, at least Marie Antoinette.

When horrible things are happening and you can't afford bread, make cake.  So I did.  Coke Cake to be exact. Although, we called it Life-Sucks Cake.

And it was delicious.

And, as is only appropriate in these situations, we shared it with friends.

The End.

There and Back Again

The whole goal for this weekend was to be brave enough to travel out of town with 7 week old Emmitt. Our goal was simple:  stay the weekend in Tulsa (only about an hour and a half drive) with my parents.  We got to have lunch with Tim's family and also got to travel to Bartlesville to see my best friend.   Easy, right??  I was hoping so!!

Going into the weekend, everything sounded fun, relaxing, and a bit intimidating with a newborn. Tim and I are still learning about the "new normal" of being parents.  What time could we leave so that E didn't wake up hungry while we were still driving?  (Answer: Feed him then hit the road immediately!)  Did we pack cloth diapers or take disposables? (Disposables.  We already have some, might as well use them and not have to carry his poo back home with us...) To complicate things, E has been having a fussy attitude for the last four or five days. (Which did not change...)

Here's how the weekend went:  It went GREAT!

E slept the whole way to Tulsa.  When we got to my parents' house, the first hurdle was introducing E to the dogs.  My parents own four - two big dogs, two little dogs.  We were a little curious as to how they would do, but they didn't get pushy.  They just sniffed a bit, if any at all.  Bella the German Shepherd liked to lick his feet if we gave her the opportunity.  I'm pretty sure one of the little ones is still jealous that E meant she couldn't sit in my mom's lap.  Poor, Annabell!

Friday night through dinner E did pretty well.  Even when he did fuss later, having grandma around really took some of the stress off my shoulders.  I learn something new about how to soothe a baby almost every time we visit the grandparents.  Granny Mac even took him to see her vegetable garden.  Well, that's not quite true.  We ventured out so she could show off her grandson to the neighbor.  Said neighbor wasn't home at the time, so she and I looked at the vegetable garden. 

And for the record:  Babies are noisy sleepers.   E can grunt and groan for an hour and still be sleeping.  Daddy sleeps through most of it, but not this rookie mom.  Baby boy, I love you, but that is why you get to sleep in your own room at home!

Saturday we grabbed lunch with Tim's family at one of our favorite restaurants and then headed to B-ville.  This was the second road trip of the weekend.  Again, E slept the whole way! It was fun to see friends and it gave me a chance to practice breastfeeding out and about.  (Which means at my friend's house, not at a store.)  For me, this is still a bit intimidating.  I'm not okay nursing without a cover and I want to be respectful of those around me, but I know that I can't run home to feed E every three hours.

Here's a picture of Lacey, her niece, and E: 

 I love this picture!  There's something about those friends that are really more like family.  If you ever need dirt on me, there are two people you need to pay off:  my husband and Lacey.  I will always be happily married to my husband and close to Lacey so that all of my embarrassing stories are kept safe!

At Lacey's, her niece started playing with temporary tattoos.  It's kind of fun having a 9 year old around, you know?

 I picked out this dove.  Lacey and I talked about getting tattoos together during freshman of college.  Now we have!  (They just happen to rub off...)

We also got to see a sweet friend named Julia.  I love this picture because it was taken while she was laughing and when I look at it I can still hear her chuckle. Friends that warm the heart are a requirement for a great weekend!

There was also another purpose for the weekend:  My dad's Father's Day/Birthday. Dad said his gift was Emmitt.  Can I just say that melted my heart!   It's fun to watch him love E and ask to hold him. 

We ended the weekend with homemade vanilla ice cream and grilled pork and veggie kabobs.  Delicious!!

Here's a glimpse of our festivities:

It was so nice to go home and see my folks while bringing my son (still so weird!!) along.  It was such a good trip that I may have asked my husband if we could move back to Tulsa.  When he asked what part of town, I may have sheepishly responded with, "My parents' neighborhood is nice."

The truth is that we are happy where we are now, but it was just so good to see my family and friends.  Being so busy with baby, I didn't realize how much I missed everybody. 

There and back again,

Stephanie

Week 4... Or is it 1 month?

This post has been on my to-do list for a while.  I know it's overdue, but I'm posting it anyway since these are really to help our family remember this journey.

So, first off...  a picture!!

In this picture, E is 4 weeks old.  I love his little "o" face he's making!!  Such a cutie!!

 
Week 4 Highlights:
1) No AC! I know God won't give me more than I can handle, so I had to just laugh as life threw us a curve ball.  It was only about 36 hours of no cool air, but it was long enough when you have a new baby.  Some sweet friends named Kevin and Aislinn (pronounced Ash-linn) adopted the three of us for the night.  We had such a relaxing time (not easy with a 3 and a half week old!)  E actually slept great in a new place.  Plus, we learned about this new (to us) thing called a Rock'N'Play by Fisher Price.  E now sleeps in one every night.  Love it!

2)  The E's monitor alarm jolted us out of bed. We have an Angel Care monitor that beeps if baby stops breathing for more than 15 seconds.  Friday morning, just before Tim's alarm clock went off, we heard our first beep.  Tim quickly jolted out of bed and calmly called out, "Emmitt..." as he hurried down the hall.  Me?  I panically recited "Oh, God! Oh, God! Is he breathing? Is he alive??" on loop while I ran behind Tim.  You see, the monitor is to help prevent SIDs.  I am terrified of SIDs if I stop and dwell on it, which is what the beeping alarm led me to do - dwell on the possibility that my little bundle was no longer breathing.  It turns out that E had simply wiggled his way off the movement-detecting mat.  I learned two things from this experience:  Tim is a much calmer person than I am when it comes to a possible crisis.  Also, E cannot be trusted to remain in one spot.  Let the wiggling begin!

3) E's first tornado sirens!  (A notable event for an Oklahoma baby.)  The sirens went off while we were at Kevin and Aislinn's.  We weren't worried since they have a storm shelter.  However, since we live in Oklahoma, I wanted to be able to tell E that the first time he ever had the tornado sirens to worry about, he slept right through it.  I'm hoping this will convince him that he doesn't need to freak out when there is severe weather.  We were safe and everyone was okay.  Plus, we made some yummy "shelter cake" (aka hastily iced warm cake) to get us through the adreneline rush of tornado weather. (Thanks, Aislinn, for the pic!)

4) First date night for Mom & Dad!  Miss Aislinn watched E while Mom and Dad went out to Red Lobster for dinner.  She instructed us not to come back for at least two hours, so we went and wandered Academy afterwards.  It was a short outing, but it was nice to have some time alone with my best friend.  Plus, Aislinn sent me pictures of E while we were gone.  Those cheered me up each time I missed him!

5) E is already in his big boy diapers.  What I mean by this is that he is out of his newborn diapers and wearing his one-size diapers.  These bigger diapers are adjustable so that they will fit him all the way through potty training.  This happened too fast for momma!  We had been having leaks with the newborn sizes for almost a week before I finally realized that they were too small rather than too big.  (I'm slow like that sometimes...) The nice thing about this is that we have more of the one-size diapers than we have newborn diapers.  This means less laundry.  Hurray!

6) E can lift his head and move around during tummy time.  I'm not sure exactly what the age markers are for this, but we watch him move and look around with awe and excitement. Now, I'm not talking about a steady, smooth head lift.  He wobbles that noggin around quite a bit.  But the cool thing is that he is moving it and holding it off the floor for more than a fleeting second!  And boy can that kid wiggle!  If we put him down, a few minutes later he is not in the same spot!


Things I've learned as a rookie mom this week:
1)  Ask for help! Tim and I hosted our small group on Friday night.  I knew my house wouldn't be spotless, but it hadn't been cleaned in the 4 weeks since E had arrived.  It also wasn't cleaned the week before that.  (Do you see where this is going?)  In an attempt to prevent embarrassment on our part and disgust on the part of our friends, sweet Aislinn came over to help me clean.  She had been offering for almost four weeks, so I finally accepted.  We vacuumed, swept, mopped, cleaned bathrooms, dusted, and cleaned glass doors.  And when I say we, I mean Aislinn did most of it and I helped.  My energy is getting back up there, but my endurance is still trying to catch up.  It helps that Aislinn loves to clean.  Thank you, friend!!

2)  Batteries are for the birds!  E really likes his swing.  In fact, he's even slept in it a night or two when he wanted to be fussy but mom and dad wanted to sleep.  This meant that we used up the batteries much faster.  We now know to shop for electronic items that can be plugged in for continuous use. 

3)  Nursing pads are serious business.  I wasn't ready for that!  In fact, I didn't really understand just why they were so important or how often you would need to change them.  I had a box of disposable nursing pads and used those for about a week.  When I ran out, I decided to make cloth nursing pads that I can just wash and reuse.  I'll post a blog about them later to show you how easy they are to make.  I just couldn't imagine having to keep track of how many disposable nursing pads I had left before I would have to restock again... and again... and again.

4) Babies cry in their sleep.  Loud outbursts, then serene breathing.  What's the deal? One night I got up three times within twenty minutes.  Each time I quietly entered the nursery, there was E, just sleeping and breathing as peaceful as can be.  One time I even thought, "I'm going to wait for him to do it again just so I can see how he does this!"  I waited for ten minutes before I gave up and went back to bed.  Of course, as soon as I was laying down, he did it again!  I think he must be practicing his ornery timing for when he's a teenager...

Sincerely,

Stephanie

Rainbow Baby

Warning: Kleenex may be required.

Oh, and Mom - make sure you have powder handy if you're about to go out.  Your nose will be red.  Love you!

Yesterday was the culmination of a three day memory - spotting, ultrasound, and a D&C. 

A year ago, Tim and I faced the terrible reality of miscarrying our first baby.  The spotting began at 5 and a half weeks.  I came home from a friend's baby shower elated about possibly being the next new mom, only to begin spotting a few hours later.  Over the next six and a half weeks, we would spot three more time, have 3 ultrasounds, and ride a roller coaster of hope versus fear as we prayed our way through our first trimester.  A week before we learned that the little life was gone, I recorded this in the pregnancy journal I had:

"To fight the worry, I've been re-reading Fearless by Max Lucado and clinging to the truth that my tiny baby is significant to God, who holds all life in His hands."

 The fact that our pregnancy ended at 12 weeks has not changed my faith in God's sovereignty.  This is the message that we posted on facebook to share our hurt with everyone:

"When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up." Psalm 94:19. Today, Tim and I found out that at 12 weeks pregnant our little baby has gone to be with Jesus. If you know anything, please know this: My God REIGNS. He heals me when I'm hurt, cheers me when I'm down, and is the Creator of ALL life.

That verse, Psalm 94:19, carries me through those moments, hours, and days when I felt like I was incapable of stopping the tears.  My heart was broken, but God could cheer me.  I would cry, but God could make me laugh again. 

One night when I was up late, wide awake and gripped with grief, I read Psalm 30:5

Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.

This gave me peace and hope.  I even wrote next to it, "Grief doesn't have to last forever."  I knew morning would come.  I just wasn't sure if the "joy" meant a baby to hold or a different sort of joy.

Then on September 16th God allowed the excited anticipation of a new baby back into our lives.  The day before my cousin's wedding, Tim and I had a positive pregnancy test!  I was excited - and riddled with fear.  If you've lost a child, you know the fear of "what if it happens again."  Even to the moment that I delivered Emmitt, I constantly had to acknowledge that I deserve nothing.  God could allow my baby's life to end at any time.  Instead of running from this fear, I chose to find reassurance in the knowledge that God is in control not me. 

I had multiple sources of encouragement as we went through our grief and pregnancy.  Some of the best sources were friends who have been through the same or similar situations.  Friends who have miscarried, friends who struggled with infertility, friends who carried a baby to term knowing that her little body would not survive outside her mother's womb.  It has done so much for us to be able to talk openly about our pain and our healing. 

One such friend explained to me that there is a name for babies like Emmitt who bless us after a loss.  They're called rainbow babies.  We had weathered the storm of losing our first child.  Now God has blessed us with another.

Even with this sweet blessing, we won't forget our first baby.  It's still hard sometimes to know how to process a lost pregnancy.  However, yesterday we took a moment to remember and celebrate.

 ~~~~~~

This rainbow appeared one morning about a month before we found out we were pregnant again.  Even then, I remember snapping this picture because the rainbow reminded me that God keeps his promises.  I didn't know at the time that it meant a baby boy, but I took reassurance in the many promises that we do have from our Heavenly Father.

Yesterday we a did balloon release for Baby Aitken's birthday.  There are three balloons - one from each of us.  Tim and I each wrote a letter to baby and attached those to the strings.  (Interesting story about the balloons - the lady who prepared them for us at the store is also a rainbow baby.  As I stood there, trying my best not cry inside Homeland, she told me that the she was here today only because her parents had lost the baby before her.  I looked at E and knew there was a reason why I had gone to that store for balloons.)

Happy birthday, Baby Aitken!  We love you and can't wait to meet you!!

Love, Mom and Dad