Rainbow Baby

Warning: Kleenex may be required.

Oh, and Mom - make sure you have powder handy if you're about to go out.  Your nose will be red.  Love you!

Yesterday was the culmination of a three day memory - spotting, ultrasound, and a D&C. 

A year ago, Tim and I faced the terrible reality of miscarrying our first baby.  The spotting began at 5 and a half weeks.  I came home from a friend's baby shower elated about possibly being the next new mom, only to begin spotting a few hours later.  Over the next six and a half weeks, we would spot three more time, have 3 ultrasounds, and ride a roller coaster of hope versus fear as we prayed our way through our first trimester.  A week before we learned that the little life was gone, I recorded this in the pregnancy journal I had:

"To fight the worry, I've been re-reading Fearless by Max Lucado and clinging to the truth that my tiny baby is significant to God, who holds all life in His hands."

 The fact that our pregnancy ended at 12 weeks has not changed my faith in God's sovereignty.  This is the message that we posted on facebook to share our hurt with everyone:

"When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up." Psalm 94:19. Today, Tim and I found out that at 12 weeks pregnant our little baby has gone to be with Jesus. If you know anything, please know this: My God REIGNS. He heals me when I'm hurt, cheers me when I'm down, and is the Creator of ALL life.

That verse, Psalm 94:19, carries me through those moments, hours, and days when I felt like I was incapable of stopping the tears.  My heart was broken, but God could cheer me.  I would cry, but God could make me laugh again. 

One night when I was up late, wide awake and gripped with grief, I read Psalm 30:5

Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.

This gave me peace and hope.  I even wrote next to it, "Grief doesn't have to last forever."  I knew morning would come.  I just wasn't sure if the "joy" meant a baby to hold or a different sort of joy.

Then on September 16th God allowed the excited anticipation of a new baby back into our lives.  The day before my cousin's wedding, Tim and I had a positive pregnancy test!  I was excited - and riddled with fear.  If you've lost a child, you know the fear of "what if it happens again."  Even to the moment that I delivered Emmitt, I constantly had to acknowledge that I deserve nothing.  God could allow my baby's life to end at any time.  Instead of running from this fear, I chose to find reassurance in the knowledge that God is in control not me. 

I had multiple sources of encouragement as we went through our grief and pregnancy.  Some of the best sources were friends who have been through the same or similar situations.  Friends who have miscarried, friends who struggled with infertility, friends who carried a baby to term knowing that her little body would not survive outside her mother's womb.  It has done so much for us to be able to talk openly about our pain and our healing. 

One such friend explained to me that there is a name for babies like Emmitt who bless us after a loss.  They're called rainbow babies.  We had weathered the storm of losing our first child.  Now God has blessed us with another.

Even with this sweet blessing, we won't forget our first baby.  It's still hard sometimes to know how to process a lost pregnancy.  However, yesterday we took a moment to remember and celebrate.

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This rainbow appeared one morning about a month before we found out we were pregnant again.  Even then, I remember snapping this picture because the rainbow reminded me that God keeps his promises.  I didn't know at the time that it meant a baby boy, but I took reassurance in the many promises that we do have from our Heavenly Father.

Yesterday we a did balloon release for Baby Aitken's birthday.  There are three balloons - one from each of us.  Tim and I each wrote a letter to baby and attached those to the strings.  (Interesting story about the balloons - the lady who prepared them for us at the store is also a rainbow baby.  As I stood there, trying my best not cry inside Homeland, she told me that the she was here today only because her parents had lost the baby before her.  I looked at E and knew there was a reason why I had gone to that store for balloons.)

Happy birthday, Baby Aitken!  We love you and can't wait to meet you!!

Love, Mom and Dad